TSA: Groping Granny Tactics Have Proven Results

ABC news

You really have to find something strange to beat the best airport security catch of 2011 and of course I mean the guy at Miami International who tried to go through security with seven snakes in his pants.

Had the reptiles not been discovered - as they were via a TSA body scan machine - imagine sitting on a plane only to notice slithering in a seatmate's trouser region. The guy had three turtles in there, too.

Maybe you don't travel with snakes-in-pants, but you don't want to be stuck in line behind someone like this either if only because of delays and help is on the way thanks to expedited security lines in more airport as such lanes would pretty much exclude reptile hoarders. In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the seven best security 'gets' so far this year.

1. Dagger in a Hair Brush An unusual weapon was found at Virginia's tiny Lynchburg Regional Airport: a hair brush with a dagger concealed inside the bristles. This was not your everyday knife, either, according to authorities: several inches long with an "ice-pick style blade". A stylist's defense against customer critiques? The TSA did not say.

2.Speargun

An unidentified passenger rather touchingly thought he'd be allowed to board his plane with a speargun in hand. If you think this security 'get' took place at a Hawaiian airport or somewhere in the Caribbean, nope. The speargun was confiscated at Salt Lake City International.

3. Chain Saw Leatherface was nowhere in evidence when screeners at New York's Elmira-Corning Regional airport stopped a passenger from going through security with a gassed-up chainsaw in his carry-on. Chainsaw, okay; gasoline, not so much. The fuel was dumped, the chainsaw checked, and Mr. Fix-It was allowed to proceed on his way.

4. Lipstick Stun Gun A 350,000 volt stun gun cleverly designed to look like a lipstick case was found in a passenger's carry-on bag at Burlington (Vermont) International. These smaller airports definitely have the most interesting passengers, don't they?

5. Live Teargas Grenade Must have been exciting at Phoenix's Sky Harbor airport when a passenger strolled through security with a live teargas grenade in a carry-on. As a TSA blogger put it, "Dispersed Teargas Grenade + Pressurized Cabin = Pandemonium". That pretty much covers it.

6. $22,373 in Cash A passenger at Jacksonville International turned in an abandoned bag to the TSA. It's not clear whether this Good Samaritan took a peek inside, but if he had, he'd have seen more than 22-thousand dollars in cash inside. The bag was reunited with its owner who must have been sweating bullets. And speaking of bullets…

7. 69 Loaded Guns (and counting) As usual, the TSA confiscates a lot of guns: well over a thousand in 2011 alone. And so far this year, screeners discovered nearly 70 loaded guns in carry-ons. One recent incident that received considerable attention took place at the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport when TSA officers saw a weapon in a bag, but its owner - a 65 year old woman - left security before they could nab it.

After a lengthy search (which delayed about a dozen flights), the woman was found aboard an American flight that had already pushed back from the gate and was called back. The woman's excuse was the time-honored, "I forgot I had it." The woman, by the way, is an attorney.

First of all, it might just be a gardener, but I always travel with a snake in my pants. And What's the quality on these body scanners? is it like an xray? 1080i or what? I seriously don't know. Is someone is just staring at the smudgey outline of balls and wiener all day or is it HD old lady tits in your face nonstop? 

Naturally the old 'would you rather fly or have x-ray vision' debate comes up. Obviously, fly. Then you wouldn't have to wait in all those fucking lines with grenade wielding, lipstick electrocuting psychos all day. I'm glad I don't know what the body scanners look like. Sure, you'll be able to creep on tons of hot chicks, no questions asked. But that's what the internet is for. When have you ever been on an airplane and not sat next to the sweatiest overweight armrest stealing snores while their awake chews on the ice cubes MOTHERFUCKING DICK BASKET! D0 you really wanna see anything that bozo is hiding? Even if it is a python? Not me. I'll skip the security check 10 times out of 10. Seeya in Denver. I'll keep my speargun too. It's a bird. It's a plane! IT'S SUPERSPONS!

Overall, I'd say I was pretty disappointed with this list. I saw hairbrush dagger and thought there'd be some more James Bond shit up there. Tampon lazer rockets and iPod detonaters. Kind of a let down really. And does that 65 year old nutjob really expect anyone to feel bad for her missing her flight? Like honey, you're not the only one who reads my blog. We all know what old bitches are capable of.  She "forgot" she packed her firearm in her carry on. Well, nobody fucking believes you. But, pretend I do. OK maybe you did forget there's a glock in your purse. I lose shit all the time. I'm like 40% sure I know where my wallet is right now, but before I leave the house (if i ever go outside) I'm gonna make sure I know where that is. If this old hag is stupid enough to ACCIDENTALLY bring a LOADED WEAPON into an airport she deserves to be dropped midflight. No questions. No trial. No parachute.