When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be An Astronaut, Mommy

NASA Hiring New Astronauts

WASHINGTON — Looking for a job? NASA is hiring astronauts. You can even apply online at a giant government jobs website.
NASA needs about 55 astronauts, and with a new class of nine graduating earlier this month, the astronaut roster is up to 58. One of those new astronauts will get to fly to the space station as early as 2013, Kavandi said.
So to find candidates, NASA on Tuesday unveiled what its personnel chief called its biggest ever push to hire new astronauts – with dozens of cheering elementary school students there to ask questions.
"We need you to help plan for this future of exploration," NASA Administrator Charles Bolden says in the video. "Join NASA. Get your application in now for the 2013 astronaut candidate class. Your spaceflight experience begins right now."
Given these tight requirements, NASA will still probably get 3,000 qualified applicants, Kavandi said. The job pays between $64,700 and $141,700.
And if you are hired expect to do lots of traveling to foreign countries, Kavandi said. And oh yes, maybe into space.


Yep. That's it. There it is, folks. Motherfucking SPACE That's the life I was meant to have. Mr. Sponseller Astronaut extraordinaire 6 foot 4 and space swag for days:


Spons: "Sure, neighbor. I'd be happy to help you clean out your garage. I'm traveling this week. How's next Thursday?"
Neighbor: "Thursdays great, Spons. Sure is swell living next to you. Where ya heading anyhow?"
S: "Mars."
N: "Sounds quite delightful."
S: "It quite is! Now, if you'll excuse me, The Misses has been begging to blow me all afternoon. Gosh, where does the day go?" 


Social security card, Birth certificate, High school diploma, College transcripts, Driver's Licence just mad government documents all over my desk right now cause if you think for one second I'm not going to the moon you're off your fuckin' rocker. I'm looking at 22 different windows on my computer screen. Just surfin' the shit out of the internet right now. I'm like Tom Cruise in that fururey dreamer murder movie. Finding all kinds of sick character references, Medical History, emailing previous employers all while dodging Kim Kardashian Pop-Ups like a Champ.


12 Capri Suns, 3 hours and 11 pop tarts later and I'm just in the zone. Just in the thick of it and....tragedy...Application Fee...One Hundred and Ninety-Nine...cents. It's two fucking dollars. And me, I'm so pissed off I don't want to pay it. Follow me here. I'll spend 3 hours of my Saturday in the dark slanted atmosphere that is my apartment not watching Workaholics on Netflix or Googling Kim Kardashian and seeing...what...pops-up...what POPS-up...see what I did there? It's a masturbating joke cause her, her ass is really--anyway 2 dollars and I'm heading for the hills I'm not gonna swing it. Fuck you money grubbers in Washington. Like I'd just serve up all my personal info to the government anyway. Psssh.


So I pay the 2 bucks. One Half second later. Inbox. Email. Boom. NASA. Looks like someone wow-ed the astrological pants off those Nerds. "Congratulations on applying yadda yadda NASA is proud to blah blah blah UNFORTUNATELY your height of 76 inches is above the 71 inch maximum--" Turns out there's 12 inches in a foot and 6'4 isn't 64 inches and fuck all of you for holding me down. Well Houston, you and me got a big fcukin problem.


God this coulda been me: