D.U.I. Dining Under The Influence

Not a laughing matter guys. Last night, I was intoxicated---legally I would like to add. During my inebriated state, I unfortunately did something very terrible, something I am disgusted by. It will be with me for as long as I live, on my record. Last night, presumably between the hours of 11:30PM and 2:00AM, I had my first DUI of the year: Dining Under the Influence.

Due to the $1.75 Captain and Cokes yours truly was drinking during the entirety of Happy Hour, I was inappropriately drunk by 7:00. I did some things that I'm not proud of. Exes may have been drunk dialed. But worst of all is the DUI. When I woke up this morning I saw it. Crumpled amongst my dirty clothes and loose papers sat the remains of a drive-thru McDonald's bag.  Just smiling at me.

For those of you who don't know, I hate fast food. I rarely eat sweets, cookies, or ice cream. “What are you some kinda fag?” “Fucks the matter with you, Spons? Who doesn’t like Oreos?” I get it. It’s fucking embarrassing. Sometimes, I'll even lie and tell people I have an allergy or some bullshit to avoid talking about it. “No, thank you, I don’t want a brownie I can’t have glucose cause my lungs…will…explode.” I'm not a "health freak". I just feel like shit after eating those kinds of things. I know it's going to taste great and the 11 seconds it will spend in my mouth are going to be awesome, but after that it's PTSD: Post-Traumatic Stomach Disease. Give me a cheesy gordita crunch and bubbly gut is gonna be saddled up on the porceline pony all afternoon.

I'd like to take the time now to apologize to some people. To my exes who may or may not have received a call last night,  go fuck yourself you piece of shit clowns. To whoever drove me to McDonald's, I'm sorry I don't remember. To Ronald McDonald, go fuck yourself you piece of shit clown. To my parents, stop calling me all the time, I'm fine. To LeBron James, go fuck yourself you piece of shit clown. . . . These aren't really apologies anymore. But, It's 9:42 A.M. on a Saturday and I'm at the bar literally by myself so deal with it.

iPhone blog for the win!