Mystery Material Leads to Capri Sun Conference. Boy Wonder Revolutionizes Juice Industry

The Huffington Post
And then Kraft Foods sent this statement to WSOC-TV:Horrified, Stewart called Kraft Foods (the parent company of Capri Sun) and was given a relaxed response. "She was like, 'Well, I'll just give you your money back, like it wasn't a big deal," Stewart recounts.

10-year-old boy took a sip of his Capri Sun last week expecting a fruity thirst quencher to come through that yellow straw. Instead, he started choking, and then pulled a worm out of his mouth, his mom Christina Stewart told WSOC-TV.

"We do know that, among the many, many millions of pouches we sell each year, this has occasionally happened to others, and, when we've been able to examine the material, it has, in fact, turned out to be mold, not worms."We're very sorry Ms. Stewart and her little boy had such an unpleasant experience. Of course, without seeing the material, we can only surmise, but we believe what she's identified as a worm may actually be mold. Since our Capri Sun products are made without preservatives -- a fact many moms like -- if there's even a small hole in a pouch and air gets into it, mold similar to common bread mold can form. This is why we advise on the side of the box to discard any leaking pouches.With regard to Ms. Stewart's call to us, before our representative could ask her to send us the pouch in question, Ms. Stewart disconnected the call. However, we will ask one of our executive consumer representatives to call her."

Stewart's doctor also thought the "material" in question was a worm but he has sent it to a lab to confirm.
Babble's Danielle Sullivan dug further (no pun intended) and found several instances of worms found in Capri Sun packs. She even discovered that it's a highly searched term on Google (When Sullivan started to type "capri sun w", the word "worms" auto-filled.) There was a similar report just weeks ago in Philadelphia, and another claim in Texas in May 2011. Sullivan also found several YouTube videos of people finding worms in their pouches that could make your skin crawl. "Each of the people involved say the packages were completely sealed, no leaks were present and the boxes were new, not expired," she wrote.
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Anything for a buck, am I right? Look at this little free loader. Lying straight to the faces of every man, woman, and child who's ever had the luxury of enjoying the greatness that only the preservative free 25% less sugary Carpi Sun can offer. I'm 1000% sure this little rascal is on the Hi-C board of directors or some shit. Definitely on payroll. Look at his shifty eyes! He definitely has been prepped. Now, I know nothing of the event in question nor do I know anything about the shipping practices of Capri Suns. I do know that shit is liquid gold and I've drank them relentlessly since the 90s. So with that in mind, let the expert break it down:


1. Gemp? Is Mini-Me trying to tell me his name is Gemp? At 0:04, Is he just little kid mumbling or did he say Gemp? Like A) How do you trust this jerk-off when he can't pronounce his own name? OR B) Do you expect me to believe you are some sort of Elf/Warlock/LittleBro Hybrid, Gemp?


2. Spoiler Alert. Kid ALMOST drinks worm. Kid (allegedly) gets tackled by his bro. Understandable, Gemp seems like the runt. Naturally, he's gonna get picked on. Worm squirts out of yellow straw. Kid screams at 'disgusting insect'. So that means he almost drank a worm. Big shit! You know how many worms I've almost drank in my life? Thousands, Gemp. Thousands. Ever been fishing? Probably not cause your Dad clearly like your tough brother better. Spoiler Alert. There's two coolers. One for beer. One for bait. If having a beverage in the vicinity of a 'disgusting insect' means you almost drank it, then in the summer of 2008 I exclusively "almost" drank worms.


3. He admits to knocking over his capri sun. Clear as day. How do we know the worm didn't, upon sensing the magical opportunity to strike the wondrous nectar contained within the sacred pouch, spring to action, tunnel his way through the yellow starw and drown himself in a fountain of Grape Goodness? Who wouldn't wanna go out like that. If you were a worm, swimming aimlessly through shit and sidewalks all day, and had a chance to drown yourself in the most balling juice ever instead of wiggling through dumpsters, you would jump all over that. I'm squirming just thinking about it.


4. You don't 'listen' to videos. You watch them. I have no idea how old this kid is. I don't care. Kids are weird. They're like me but dumber. Either way, he's over 4 (probably) and you learn your senses when your 4 (probably). So have fun smelling this blog, Gemp.


5. Even if there was a worm in the capri sun, which I'm not saying there was. It would have been launched out upon pouch penetration. Everyone knows kids love explosions. Boys especially. No kid, unattended by a parent, can resist slamming their straw into a capri sun causing juice and any 'disgusting insects' to go flying approximately 12 to 18 inches in the air. Go to an elementary school cafeteria (for legal reasons, I cannot) and just watch the fireworks between 11:30 and 1:00. Just fucking geysers going off. 


6. They weren't even sure what came slobbering out of Forrest Gemp's juice. They had to have scientists in a motherfucking lab confirm what the hell this shit was. If you are too simple to identify an animal from "material", I bet you're simple enough to name your senseless bowl cut baby Gemp. Credibility destroyed.


ps: fuck grape anyway. fruit punch is where its at. this is just what i've done since dinner.

pps How big of a fuck you word is "surmise". Since I've never actually cheated on you, sweetie, I can only surmise why Jennifer is sexting me NipSlips.